Heh #8

Ken Burns should do a documentary on bad haircuts.

OMG #4

Earlier this morning at 4:30 the boy crawled into bed with us...
I turned over.
I felt a little itch near my elbow.
I grabbed at it with my right hand.
My thumb, index finger, and middle finger of my right hand.
I squeezed.
I squeezed a f*cking spider in my hand.
A giant we-apparently-have-millions-of-giant-spiders-in-Tennessee spider.
They are everywhere downstairs.
I spend most of my time upstairs.

Those of you who know me know this was devastating.
Dev. Uh. Stating.

New Dew. New Dew? NEW DEW!

The latest release of Mountain Dew pits good versus evil. New Game Fuels represent the factions from the crazy living-in-my-parents'-basement-so-I-got-nothing-better-to-do-than-play-this-here-MMORPG World of Warcraft.

It's Alliance Blue against Horde Red. Wild Fruit taking on Citrus Cherry. Elves all up in the Orcs' biznass. Who will win? Well, neither.

I had to take a step back cuz I drink Mello Yello or Mountain Dew like water. I think my taste buds were corroded the first time I tried these. I actually liked them, but once my friend Ol' Dirty Sanchez emailed me I realized I might be too much of a Dew insider to vote judiciously.

He wrote, after trying the blue: "the worst part really was the smell. I had to hold my breath while the bottle was on its way to my mouth, but then it tasted just mediocre compared to the noxiousness of the fumes. I only drank down to the top of the label before I was too grossed out and just dumped the rest." Wow. So I waited a while and went back to the bottle.

ODS was right. Not an epic fail but certainly not the wonderment of O.G. Dew or even the Halo 3 Game Fuel which is still a highlight of my beverage consumption days. We miss you, Halo 3!!!

I did however have a favorite though. Horde Red. Not as good as Code Red but along those lines. The Alliance Blue does actually taste kind of how it looks. Like Wiper Fluid. Well, maybe not that bad but still not good enough to knock off any of my favorite Dew flavors. Each gets two Orions out of five. Well, more like a 1.5 for Blue and 2.4 for Red. Keep in mind, that is probably higher than it should be, but consider that my bloodstream is half plasma, half Dew. Oh, and you are welcome.

July 2009 Poll - Das Und Rolls der Switzerland?

Chocolate cake rolled around a layer of creme filling and drenched with fudge coating. Available twin-wrapped in a 12 count carton. Yumz.

The winner of this month's poll is the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls? What happened to the word "Cake"? Well. We might not buy Debbie's attempt to make these sound "healthy" by removing a word, but we will buy a box of twelve and eat them in one gaming session of Halo 3 with an ice-cold Mello Yello and a side of plasma grenade. Congratulations to the country of Switzerland and their rolls. BW voted for Nutty Bars but I guess we can't win 'em all...